Update

Things are I guess you could say mediocre. I keep having these little breakdowns where I cry and get really angry.
Never before in my life have I ever felt so many mixed emotions all at the one time.

I feel like Ill never be able to trust Craig again, I feel like I want to go out and do the same thing to him and make him hurt like he's fucking hurt me. Part of me wants to kill him, or her, I'm just so betrayed.

Craig keeps asking me to make an appointment with a counsellor, he 'hates seeing me like this and seeing the hurt he's caused'
I can barely eat, I feel sick all the time, and I tear up at any given moment.
I constantly need him ti hug me and tell me he loves me, or I feel neglected and undesired. It's ridiculous, Im relying on his love to make me feel worthwhile, and the wholetime I keep thinking,'if I get depressed again, is he going to go looking for loving elsewhere to make himself feel attactive again?" He keeps assuring me that he wont, that he loves me, and that me and the kids are his world, and without us he's nothing, that it took him making such a huge mistake to realise.

I dont know if I buy it all, Im so distrusting, I dont even trust myself anymore, how the hell can I ever trust him?

Sunday morning was a bad morning, I was so angry, and hurt that I was a bitch, and we aruged, I ended up cutting in the shower, I dont know how else to release the way Im feeling without hurting the baby, and Craig just doesn't realise how much all of this is doing my head in. He got angry at me for cutting and tried to make me promise not to do it again, why make promises I cant keep?

I keep dreaming about him cheating on me every fucking night, and just about everynight she is in it, AND another woman.

He's told me details, hes says its the turth, but how the hell do I know if hes telling the truth or not? I dont want to take his word for it, I dont want to look like a fool if all this unravels.

I feel like an idiot because we're already havig sex again, the day after I found out I had sex with him, I dont know why, but its more for ME to feel loved and desired, its more to make me feel good about myself than anything else (sex before never really used to do that for me?)

Ugh sorry Im such a rambler, if you've made it this far, you deserve a medal.

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