A whole world of questions
Somedays are better than others. I feel as thought I take 3 steps forward, like I can move on from this, and then I take 10 steps backwards.I turn into a depressed recluse who wants nothing more than to lay in bed and cry.
I cut myself to ease the pain, it's only temporary but it helps.
We had a huge talk today, I wanted to ask him to leave for a few days, so I could get my thoughts together, but I didn't,to be honest I don't know if I trust myself to be alone for any period of time.
I asked him some questions today, every day my mind constantly tortures me with new questions.
I asked him if sex was better with her, was it more exciting.
-He said that it wasn't and that afterwards he felt digusted in himself.
I asked him did he let me go off the pill, (and I don't mean that he called all the shots either, I mean more why didn't he seek to keep me on the pill) if he was feeling like that.
-He said that he wanted another baby, which I don't for the life of understand. I only went off the pill and fell pregnant in the first place because I thought it was what we both wanted.
I asked him why he did this.
-He said he was being selfish, and only thinking of himself (that's quite obvious to me)
I asked him if he had any emotional attachment to her.
-He said no that it was purely sex.
I asked him if he had even considered that he might get her pregnant.
-He said that they'd used condoms, and then said "But they broke for us, I guess" That was it, so I guess he never really considered what could have happened.
I told him that it rips me to pieces thinking about him pleasuring her, and her pleasuring him, to think if him being intimate with another woman.
He started to cry, I don't think he knew what to say really.
He told me that he never realised how much he loves and appreciates me, and how much his family means to him.
He said that it tears him up inside that I keep him around because I love him and want to make this work. It hurts him so because he knows that he doesn't deserve to be kept around.
He said he hates himself for the hurt he's caused me, for the opportunity he caused for us to break up.
He told me that many times he wished he'd just killed himself.
I told him that I thought this child had been conceived out of love, when in fact he was only conceived out of love on my part.
I told him that I no longer stand tall and walk proud, instead I hang my head in shame, I hide my belly, and I lower my eyes.
I told him that I feel like an idiot for trusting him.
I told him that I don't know if I'll ever trust him again.
I told him that I don't know if I'll ever love him the same again.
I told him that I wished this pregnancy was over with.
I told him that the only reason I'm alive right now is because if I tried to kill myself and failed but instead killed my child was more than I could deal with.
I told him if I could be sure that I could kill myself and not fail that I would do it.
I told him that I don't know if I want anymore children with him.
I wanted to get married this coming January, but those dreams are shattered.
I wanted more babies, specifically with him, now I don't know if I can look after the one I have and the one that I'm having.
I told him that I wish he had come clean in January, before I got pregnant, as things would have turned out differently.
He told me he was over the moon when we found out I was pregnant with this little man, and that he didn't want to tell me in January in case I did something and got rid of the baby.
I told him that I don't know how he could do something like this to someone he is supposed to love.
-He again told me he was being selfish, and only thinking of himself.
I said to him "Please don't ever hurt me like this again, I'm telling you now tha I wouldn't survive going though this again."
He told me that he would never ever do this again. But how do I know he' telling the truth?
He told me that the adrenaline rush he got was what made him keep going back, because it made him feel good for a moment.
He said that he felt guilty afterwards,so I still don't understand why he would go back again.
Perhaps there are a lot of things that I will never understand. Maybe I won't ever be able to get past any of this. For now it hurts to even think about it, I can't imagine ever loving and trusting this man enough to marry him or give him more children
But how do I move on from this? How do I get past the mental images of him being intimate with her? How do I know if he is telling the truth when I ask him not to ever do this to me again and he says that he would never ever put me through this again.
How do I ever begin to rebuild this trust?
How do I regain my shattered confidence and self esteem that has been hollowed out throughout all of this?
When will this pain pass? Will it ever pass?
Does life really go on after such a life changing event?
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Older Entries
2007-08-27 - It's been a while2007-08-27 - It's been a while
2006-10-31 - Mehki is 5 weeks old now
2006-09-16 - Such is life
2006-07-31 - Moving Forward
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& thank you, dland!
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